Sharing my Heart

I am not a writer. I have never claimed to be. I really can't even remember why I started a blog. So many of the blogs that I follow have a purpose, but mine is just to have a place to share. I can share stories, struggles, and things that have stolen my heart.

In no form or fashion can what I'm about to write truly convey what is on my heart. I am currently sitting in my office in tears. Not sweet tears, but the ugly, streaming down my face, my heart aches tears. I'm having difficulty sharing this without the tears flowing down my face and ruining my make-up that I so painstakingly applied this morning.

God has a plan for everything. I feel as if God has just opened my heart to something that I have never even considered before. The reality of this actually coming into fruition is very very slim, but the thought of it happening shows how God is so mighty that even the smallest things are able to be used by Him.

I feel like I'm beating around the bush.

I have studied some form of sign language since I was in the 4th or 5th grade. In my hometown, they offerred classes to kids in the summer. I took a class pretty much every summer. I took Creative Writing, a Space/NASA class, and I took a sign language class. I remember taking home my sign language practice books and learning "Little Red Riding Hood." I loved it. I continued to learn ASL during high school, college, and now I'm teaching the youth at my church. I am not fluent, but I can tell a child about Jesus with my hands. I have even looked into becoming an interrepreter before. Needless to say, it's a hobby.

I have a passion for adoption. I would love to adopt or even work with parents who are trying to adopt. I have been praying that God changes the husband's heart with adoption. He is hesitant because he doesn't want to have a non-white child because he doesn't want the child to have to explain why he/she is red/yellow/black/white and his parents are straight up crackers. He also worries about the financial part of the adoptions. I would never push anything on him that he wasn't comfortable with, which is why I'm hoping that God changes his mind.

I was looking at a adoption conference that is coming up in May that I am considering attending. I was checking out the breakout sessions and I noticed that there was one that says:
Adopting the Deaf Child (Johnny and Beth Carr, Bethany Christian Services) ASL, Signed English, Cochlear Implant - all issues you will deal with when considering adopting a deaf child. When you adopt a deaf child, you actually enter the child's culture instead of the child entering your culture. Johnny and Beth Carr will share what they have learned from their experiences through two adoptions of deaf children and what you should consider if you are interesting in adopting a deaf child. (Adoption).

This is when the weird thing happened.

I broke down. Literally.

It was like God was telling me that my education and passion could be brought together to love a child. I have never even considered mixing the two together. Deaf children need to be loved to and I would be able to tell them that I loved them very much.

I was sitting in my office crying like an unstable lady, when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Crap. Someone was about to walk in and think I have lost my mind. Well, it was the husband. He showed up to take me to lunch without even calling. I was able to reassure him that I was not dying and that everything was okay. He was able to see my heart and how I truely felt about adoption. I'm going to start praying that God shows us what He wants us to do.

When Can I Round Up?

Doot Do DO DO!!!!

That's my trumpet fanfare, in case anyone couldn't tell. I feel like I blog a lot about trying to get into shape, but I feel as if this is the safest place for it. If I fail and put the weight back on, or stop working out all together and there are numerous posts in Facebook about it, then my failures are posted for everyone to see.

I have almost lost a full 5 lbs!!!!!!! Give me two more days of watching what I eat and exercising like DJ Tanner, and I will officially be 5 lbs lighter.

Would it be okay to start telling people that I lost 10 lbs, when I really lost 5 because the teachers always told me that you round up after you hit 5?

I'm really proud of myself because I have gotten over the working out by yourself thing at the gym. I have also been known to jump right up beside a stranger on the next machine. Yesterday I even got on the elliptical beside an attractive male and I didn't care how loud I was huffing and puffing. The trick is to have your music up loud enough that you can't hear yourself breathe. I also have found that reading my Kindle helps because the time passes so much quicker.

2

I have lost 2 whole pounds. It's a solid two pounds, not just water weight. I can tell that I am tightening up. My leg muscles are getting tighter, but the scale is not moving very easily. I'm trying to stay positive and find the joy in the little successes...like two pounds. My weight easily goes up and down at least 5 lbs during the day, but now it is two pounds less. I'm still working out! I'm not going to let bronchitis and a cold stand in my way!!!

A Small Act

I normally don't enjoy documentaries or subtitles, but on a Saturday morning when you don't have cable and nothing else is on...documentaries are good. This past Saturday I saw the BEST movie/documentary called A Small Act.

A SMALL ACT Trailer 2010 from Jennifer Arnold on Vimeo.

It was so so good!!!! I can't wait till I can purchase it and let my friends borrow it. It shows perfectly how one small act of kindness and generosity can change a life. This movie was so inspiring for me because there are days at work when I feel helpless and I desperately need a thank you from a client or a sweet statement for a child telling me that they love Ms. Dana. I can only hope that the small things I do every day will impact someone else's life.

My favorite part of the movie was when Chris gave Hilde a Harvard Mom sweatshirt because she truly was the one that started him in that direction. I have to admit that I busted into the Ugly Cry.

I was so into the movie, that I was excited when Andrew woke up and was able to finish the movie with me. I was excited because I had someone to share this movie with. Chris was so passionate about education and how it could change a child's life. I also really enjoyed how when the scholarships were handed out to the children, they would ask them what they wanted to be when they grew up. Those children from Kenya wanted to be doctors and lawyers and they fully believe that with those scholarships, they can do that. It was an amazing AMAZING documentary and I can't wait to watch it again.

New Favorite Band!

One of the (many) things I have struggled with in my short lifespan is wanting to be able to be myself. As a naturally positive person, sometimes I struggle when I feel lonely or not quite happy. I feel that people expect certain qualities to show up when they are around me. They expect a big smile and laughter. I am that way most of the time, but sometimes I just want to be quiet or sullen and not make people laugh or be the witty one.

With Valentine's Day right around the corner, I can't help but be thankful for my Valentine. He understands better than anyone that sometimes I just want to be.

I have recently fallen in love the Drew Holcomb and The Neighbors. They have a song entitled I Like to be with me when I'm with You. Long, I know. Their lyrics describe perfectly how I feel when I'm with my husband.

If i could live on the moon
I would rather stay in Tennessee with you

If i could sail across the ocean
The ocean would just be blue without you

If i could climb up Mount Everest
I would turn around and climb in bed with you

With you I can be myself
With you I don't have to be somebody else
It's like puttin on my favorite pair of shoes
I like to be with me when I'm with you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1RnGqjSWNEk
This is a link to their music video for Fire and Dynamite. It's worth listening to. I promise!

Steph-I would also like for you to marry the guy at 3:13 and their bass player. Thank you very much for making this happen!

You never know

I'm basically in a state of shock. You grow up thinking certain thoughts about people and then you realize that those thoughts were just assumptions. Would it be weird to apologize to someone for the assumptions you made about them?

When I was 14 years old, I had my first boyfriend. He basically took over my life. I was obsessed to say the least. He consumed my time, my thoughts, my everything.

There was also this girl. I can't remember if she came around the first time the boy and I were dating or the second (because apparently I enjoy getting my heart ripped out of my chest twice) but the girl annoyed the snot out of me. Every time she saw my boyfriend and he saw her, they would do this slow-motion run thing towards each other.

I hated it. I hated it so much that to this day, ten years later, I still don't like this girl very much. She was pretty and perky and popular. Everything that I was not. I was the band dork who was waiting for the day for her "perfect" boyfriend to wake up and realize that the other girl was better. I voiced my feelings to the boyfriend and told him that I didn't like when they did that and I was jealous. He told me he understood and said they would stop. Then after we broke up, I found out that he had told the girl that I was really jealous and they could still hug but not in front of me. Classy, huh? She was skinny and beautiful and sang beautifully. In my mind, she was one of THOSE girls. You know, the ones who seem to have everything going for them.

While getting on facebook this morning, it popped up on my News Feed that she had a blog. I'm a sucker for blogs so I decided to check hers out. I found out things about her that I never would have guessed.

In her blog she confessed to having an eating disorder and what all she is doing to try to recover. She shared to be diagnosed to having major depression and that most of her family had been diagnosed as well. The fact that hit me like a ton of bricks was that before she was diagnosed, she tried to kill herself. When she was 16, she held a gun to her head and was going to kill herself.

I can't handle her good, and I can't handle her bad.

Here I was with these feelings of teenage jealousy when this girl really needed someone she could be honest with. This girl was a Christian and had many many friends, but apparently she felt that it wasn't good enough.

I can't help but feel like I need to get down on my knees and thank God for the life that I have, even the flaws and imperfections that he has given me. God has given me strength and He gave the high school version of Dana enough perseverance to make it through those years. I had a lot of heart break during those years. I dealt with my father and his depression. I had that "perfect" boyfriend break up with me and date my best friend. I had a lot of drama with my friends. But God loved me and provided better friends, a better boyfriend (who became the hubby), and a personality that I believes makes up for the fact that I might not be that girl who makes the heads turn when she walks into the room.

My world has been rocked. If my thoughts and misconceptions were so wrong about her, what else are the wrong about. I feel so awful about the things I thought about her. She needed that hug, regardless from who it was from.

This girl is now married, and I hope that God has blessed her with a supportive husband who helps her by reminding her to take her pills, to eat, and to trust fully in the Lord and not in others.

I assume that this post has a lot of typos or grammatical errors. I didn't have much time, but I wanted to get these thoughts out.

Thanks you,God for making me me and knowing what You are doing.