This week has been the longest week in my life. I never want to have this week again, but unfortunately I will have to repeat this week 7 more times. It was so hard seeing my mom suffer this week. She said that she had never felt that bad in her life and that she wasn't sure if the chemo was worth it. I reminded her that it was worth it and she had to fight. I spent most of the night rubbing her head and putting a cool washcloth on her forehead. Every time I filled up her drink or rewet her washcloth, I started to cry. I kept praying that God would take my mom's pain away and give me the strength to see her like that. I could never ever ever be a nurse. I was so glad when my sister got home. My mom will have four 1 1/2 hours of chemo and then four 4 hr chemo treatments. If I have a hard time dealing with the results of the 1 1/2 hrs of chemo, what will I do during the 4 hour. What will my mom be like during the 4 hour?

I feel so tired and I feel like crying. I need a good friend just to sit and take my mind off of everything. I don't want to go anywhere.

Oh yeah. I got a new car. That is my light for the day. I loved my 4Runner, but it wasn't running right and I need a car that is reliable for driving kids and taking my mom back and forth from chemo. My new car is an '05 Altima. I really really like it. It has really low miles and drives like a dream. I can't wait to see what adventures my car and I will have. What should I name it? Walt the Alt? It's up for consideration.

This week started out fabulous...

NOT!!!!!!!!

My mom's chemo starts tomorrow. I'm really really really really scared. Here are the things I am scared of:
1. My mom losing her hair
2. My mom being very sick
3. My mom looking sick
4. My mom not able to be herself.
5. Having to be at two places at once.

There's a lot more worries, plus I got into an arguement with a friend. My feelings were so hurt that I cried all the way home from her house. Maybe it hurt so bad because I don't have a good record with friends. Maybe it was because I have had friends run away from me and hide because they didn't want to play with me. I have had friends who cheated on me with my boyfriend. I have had friends stab me in the back. Lie to me about wanting to hang out with me. I just thought that this friend wouldn't do that to me. I now know where I stand in her book. Whatever. It's not like I don't have enough on my plate to worry about.

Anyways, if anyone cares (probably not many) try to remember my mom and family this week. It will be tough on everyone, especially my dad because he won't be able to be there. Life is sucking right now.

Weight Watchers

I couldn't take it anymore. I hate how I look and honestly...the Wii Fit told me that I was overweight. Nope!! That's not going to happen. I have joined Weight Watchers Online. I have joined for 4 months because one month was free. I enjoy that it's online because I can't do the meeting things. I went to a meeting one time and everyone there was old and they were a lot bigger than me. I felt like they were staring at me wondering why this "skinny" girl was there. I have to enter my weight once a week and the food that I eat. That's easy. I don't have to keep up with it myself. I get 23 points a day. I can do this! I just had breakfast and it was only 3 pts. I have 20 more points today. They said that I might not start seeing results until 3 weeks into the program. That's the part I don't like. I want to do crunches and see a flatter stomach immediately!! I'm not talking six-pack abs, just smaller stomach. I want my jeans to feel looser. That doesn't happen. I have done my Wii Fit everyday for this week. I have discovered that I enjoy yoga, but my balance is the pits. I have also discovered that the arm muscles that I gained in guard have disappeared, but my abs muscles are great. I used to love push-ups. They used to be the only activity I could get the presidential for during the physical fitness test(who came up with that?) You better forget about it. Andrew gets a good laugh at my attempts though. Oh yeah, and Andrew...he looses weight just by breathing and walking to get the mail. Is he exercising? No! He just works 3rd shift which throw off everything. If I hear him complain about how his jeans are all too small and his belts aren't keeping his pants up I will slice his throat!!

Mom starts chemo on Tuesday. Her first treatment lasts for an hour and a half, after the first one it will last for 3 hours. My mom is doing okay. She is having time to process, it still doesn't feel real to her. Man, this sucks!!

Dear Diary,

Today I went to church. I was in a bad mood. I thought I was going to be the assistant Sunday school teacher for 4th and 5th graders. I was wrong, I am the assistance Sunday School teacher for 4 and 5 year olds. Oops. I didn't know that I was signing up to teach a class of children that can't read. It will be fun though. Andrew's family were no shows today even though they said they were coming to visit. Now they are coming on Labor Day. I took a nap and didn't set an alarm, because of that I missed church tonight because I woke up too late. Who knew I would take a 4 hr nap. Stephanie came down this weekend and saved my butt. The house is starting to take shape. That is all.

Thanks for listening,
Dana