More

It is not bad to dream or to have goals. You have those goals or dreams to make your life better, especially if it sucks.

Have you ever had a time in your life where everything was going good and you know what your goals should be, but you wanted more?

Is it selfish to have a "perfect" life but it not be enough?

The normal goals or dreams that I have are to finish school, get a better job, have children.

I want more. I feel as if what I'm doing now is not enough. I have this ache in my heart that might be God telling me that He wants to use me for me than what I'm doing.

Africa. Uganda. Orphans.

That is where my heart is leading me right now. My heart is leading me that way so much that I was researching how much money it would be to go to Uganda. $3200-$3600. That includes travel, food three times a day, an interreptur, places to stay, and I can't remember what else. I want to go, but it is very scary for me.

It's scary because I know my heart. I know that if I went to the orphanage in Uganda that I would be forever changed. Pieces of my heart would be left on that continent. Right now, there is nothing I would want to do more than to pack up my things and go hug and kiss on precious children who don't have a mommy or daddy to love them. I want to hold those babies and tell them that God created them for a purpose. I want to sing to them and do crazy motions to the songs. I want to play tag, do the hokey-pokey, and read to these precious children.

If I was honest with myself, I would leave my entire life behind here in TN if I had the opportunity. That's what is hard. If I had the opportunity to go to Uganda and work with the orphanage, I would have to bring my husband because my fear is if I don't, our marriage would become very difficult. If he didn't come with me (which would be out of duty, except if God changes his heart) he wouldn't understand the stories, the struggles, the love. I just know that if he went with me, his eyes would be opened to see why God wants us to love the orphans.

I want more than what my life is right now. I am incredibly in love with my husband. I love my dogs, my church, my job, my family, my friends, but is it enough? What is God wanting me to do? Where is God wanting me to go? Do I get the same satisfaction working with the youth and children here in my town?

I want to say "Send me. Use Me." to my God, but that is scary. It's scary because I know that He would and I would have to check my fears and insecurities at the door. Live by faith and not by sight.

Visiting Orphans from Amanda Lawrence on Vimeo.

Chocolate Milk

Growing up, I'm not sure I would define myself as a "Daddy's Girl." I loved my dad, but by the time I reached 10 he was so clinically depressed, I learned to stay far far away and to keep my mouth shut.

During happier times, before we moved my dad to D-burg, I was very close to my dad. One of my favorite memories is of my father buying me chocolate milk whenever we stopped at this one particular gas station. I always thought that it was the best thing ever. My mother never EVER bought me chocolate milk, but with my dad it was chocolate milk all the way!

Today I had a "Chocolate Milk" moment with my dad. My parents came to visit me and they really wanted to see the new Hibbitt's in town. I found a pair of running shorts that I liked. My dad said he would get them for me. He then told me that I couldn't have new shorts without a matching shirt. I explained that I ran in t-shirts and that I didn't need a running shirt. My dad would not hear of such a preposterous idea. He then picked me out a shirt to match my new shorts. But that was not before yelling across the store,"Do you need a new sports bra or do you get yours specially made?" It was then that I decided to say thank you for the shirt and shorts but to call it a day with my family at the local Hibbitts.

Really, Mother?

I'm so excited because my parents are coming to visit us this evening. I do talk to my parents quite often and I see them at least once a month, but the difference is that they NEVER come to old Bolivar. They are coming to bring me some auction items for my organization's fundraiser in April. My loving grandmother is donating one of her awesome quilts because she loves me so and wants for me to have a job, haha.

Many people might wonder what fun things there are to do in Bolivar. The true answer is there is not much.

We have our one screen movie theater. It plays one movie a week and it plays every night at 7:30. It's an old movie theater that hasn't been updates since...never. You don't have enough leg room and there is no surround sound, but the ticket prices are low and the snacks are even cheaper. My mom thinks my dad might enjoy experiencing the Bolivar Theater. He might, but seeing as my dad is 6'3, it might not be the most comfortable viewing experience.

We also have Fat Daddy's. They have all you can eat catfish on Friday nights and if you want, you can pay $5 and go into their back room for a good ole' country time. They have a country band and a huge dance floor so that you can get your line dancing on. It's fun just to watch the older couples getting jiggy wit it.

During the summer, you can go down to the square for music night. They have free entertainment and dancing as well.

On warm days, you can head to Chickasaw which is about 15 minutes away. They have trails, horses, swimming, and paddle boats.

What does my mom want to do on Saturday? Run! She's training for a half-marathon in April and Saturdays are her long run days. She plans on running 11 miles that day. I playing on "joining" her. I use the word joining loosely because I will go with her, but I will not be running 11 miles. I probably won't even start with her. I enjoy a good 5 minute warm-up before I even start wogging (that's walk/jogging). My mom does have a super cool new watch with a GPS that tells her how many miles she has run. My GPS is my breathing. When I start huffing and puffing, that means it is time for a walk. I might bring a book, so that when I have had all the "fun" that I can, I can stop by the pond and rest or nap.

A Remarkable Faith

I'm linking up to Giving Up on Perfect's blog today.



The best wedding that I will ever attend hasn't happened yet. Don't get me wrong, my wedding was a dream come true, but my favorite wedding will be my best friend's wedding. Her story is not my story to tell, but through her struggles she has taught me how to cherish the small every day moments with my husband.

She has waited and is waiting for God to show her that one person that He has meant for her. I know that when God does have them meet, there will be no greater love between a husband and wife. I know that her wedding will be very intimate and Christ-centered. I will proudly be standing beside her, observing the love between my best friend and her spouse.

When her day comes, I will gladly and unabashedly put on my bedazzled hot pink dress (or whatever she may ask of me) and my dyed to match shoes and be honored to be her best friend. I will proudly prepare my Matron on Honor speech (that I have already thought of) that will share examples on how the groom will make it living with his bride. I will gladly let his hand be the one that holds hers when she is crying and I will let his ear be the one that is listening to the crazy stories that his wife experiences daily. I will wait for the phone calls from the groom wanting to know why his wife is doing what she is doing.

I long and pray for the day when my best friend can know what that romantic love feels like and will be able to be unashamed of her hair in the morning in front of someone else besides me.

To my best friend/soulmate's future husband:
Get ready my friend for an adventure. You will hear stories that will make you slap your hand to your face and shake your head at her. You will hear stories that will make you laugh until it hurts. You will lead my friend, my sister through life and take the world by storm. I can't wait to meet you.

Through the mouths of babes

I have a "Devil Child" that I work with. She isn't really of the devil, but she is difficult. She is in special education classes at school and refuses to follow any directions or listen to anyone.

Yesterday, I was struggling, Y'all. I mean, fuh realz. I felt that my hard work was not paying off. I was considering signing up for some get-thin-quick program. When I am struggling like that, sometimes it just helps to talk outloud to God in the car.

The summary of our conversation went a little like this:
Dana: God, I feel like a fatty. Why did you make us retain water when you-know-what is coming around the corner?

God: Why are you worrying? You were made for more than this. You are beautiful.

D: Yeah, yeah. Whatever! I know that I was made for more than just a size and that man looks at the outward appearance, but You look on the inside. God, I'd be pretty hot if I looked like I do on the inside.

G: You are beautifully and wonderfully made. I love you no matter what the number on the scale is.

D: Yeah, but God, we all know that we base a lot of our thoughts on what people say about us. If someone tells us that we look nice, then we know that we look nice. I just feel that I'm working so hard at losing weight and as soon as I felt as if I was accomplishing something, it all comes back. Why even try?

G: Dana, you are working hard to make the best of what I gave you. I'm proud of you for going to the gym and drinking water all day, every day. In fact, you are drinking so much water-there is now shortage in your town (Okay, He didn't really say that, but I am drinking A LOT of water.)

D: God, I know that this is selfish but could you please please PLEASE show me some sort of sign to show that what I'm doing is really accomplishing something. Oh, and by the way could you change the molecular structure of Thin Mints. It's that time of year, and I would really like to devour a whole carton of cookies.

G: I love you and you are beautifully and wonderfully made.

Later on that day:
Child: (Digging through my car, found my headphones.) Ms. Dana, what are these?

D: Those are my headphones so I can listen to music through my phone when I go to the gym.

Child: Why do you go to the gym?

D: So I can get skinny.

Child: But Ms. Dana, you ARE skinny.

D: God bless you.

Child: But you really are Ms. Dana. You are skinny.

I knew at that moment that God showed me His love and showed that my hard work is not in vain through that sweet child. God cares about my vain requests. No matter how crazy they are.