This week has been the longest week in my life. I never want to have this week again, but unfortunately I will have to repeat this week 7 more times. It was so hard seeing my mom suffer this week. She said that she had never felt that bad in her life and that she wasn't sure if the chemo was worth it. I reminded her that it was worth it and she had to fight. I spent most of the night rubbing her head and putting a cool washcloth on her forehead. Every time I filled up her drink or rewet her washcloth, I started to cry. I kept praying that God would take my mom's pain away and give me the strength to see her like that. I could never ever ever be a nurse. I was so glad when my sister got home. My mom will have four 1 1/2 hours of chemo and then four 4 hr chemo treatments. If I have a hard time dealing with the results of the 1 1/2 hrs of chemo, what will I do during the 4 hour. What will my mom be like during the 4 hour?

I feel so tired and I feel like crying. I need a good friend just to sit and take my mind off of everything. I don't want to go anywhere.

Oh yeah. I got a new car. That is my light for the day. I loved my 4Runner, but it wasn't running right and I need a car that is reliable for driving kids and taking my mom back and forth from chemo. My new car is an '05 Altima. I really really like it. It has really low miles and drives like a dream. I can't wait to see what adventures my car and I will have. What should I name it? Walt the Alt? It's up for consideration.

This week started out fabulous...

NOT!!!!!!!!

My mom's chemo starts tomorrow. I'm really really really really scared. Here are the things I am scared of:
1. My mom losing her hair
2. My mom being very sick
3. My mom looking sick
4. My mom not able to be herself.
5. Having to be at two places at once.

There's a lot more worries, plus I got into an arguement with a friend. My feelings were so hurt that I cried all the way home from her house. Maybe it hurt so bad because I don't have a good record with friends. Maybe it was because I have had friends run away from me and hide because they didn't want to play with me. I have had friends who cheated on me with my boyfriend. I have had friends stab me in the back. Lie to me about wanting to hang out with me. I just thought that this friend wouldn't do that to me. I now know where I stand in her book. Whatever. It's not like I don't have enough on my plate to worry about.

Anyways, if anyone cares (probably not many) try to remember my mom and family this week. It will be tough on everyone, especially my dad because he won't be able to be there. Life is sucking right now.

Weight Watchers

I couldn't take it anymore. I hate how I look and honestly...the Wii Fit told me that I was overweight. Nope!! That's not going to happen. I have joined Weight Watchers Online. I have joined for 4 months because one month was free. I enjoy that it's online because I can't do the meeting things. I went to a meeting one time and everyone there was old and they were a lot bigger than me. I felt like they were staring at me wondering why this "skinny" girl was there. I have to enter my weight once a week and the food that I eat. That's easy. I don't have to keep up with it myself. I get 23 points a day. I can do this! I just had breakfast and it was only 3 pts. I have 20 more points today. They said that I might not start seeing results until 3 weeks into the program. That's the part I don't like. I want to do crunches and see a flatter stomach immediately!! I'm not talking six-pack abs, just smaller stomach. I want my jeans to feel looser. That doesn't happen. I have done my Wii Fit everyday for this week. I have discovered that I enjoy yoga, but my balance is the pits. I have also discovered that the arm muscles that I gained in guard have disappeared, but my abs muscles are great. I used to love push-ups. They used to be the only activity I could get the presidential for during the physical fitness test(who came up with that?) You better forget about it. Andrew gets a good laugh at my attempts though. Oh yeah, and Andrew...he looses weight just by breathing and walking to get the mail. Is he exercising? No! He just works 3rd shift which throw off everything. If I hear him complain about how his jeans are all too small and his belts aren't keeping his pants up I will slice his throat!!

Mom starts chemo on Tuesday. Her first treatment lasts for an hour and a half, after the first one it will last for 3 hours. My mom is doing okay. She is having time to process, it still doesn't feel real to her. Man, this sucks!!

Dear Diary,

Today I went to church. I was in a bad mood. I thought I was going to be the assistant Sunday school teacher for 4th and 5th graders. I was wrong, I am the assistance Sunday School teacher for 4 and 5 year olds. Oops. I didn't know that I was signing up to teach a class of children that can't read. It will be fun though. Andrew's family were no shows today even though they said they were coming to visit. Now they are coming on Labor Day. I took a nap and didn't set an alarm, because of that I missed church tonight because I woke up too late. Who knew I would take a 4 hr nap. Stephanie came down this weekend and saved my butt. The house is starting to take shape. That is all.

Thanks for listening,
Dana

And the next step is...

So...the surgery is over with and was successful. Successful in the fact that they didn't have to yell "Code Blue" or use the paddles on my mom (my mom's words). Unsuccessful in the fact that they found two pea sized cancerous tumors in her lymph nodes-but only on the left side where the original mass was found. Today we find out the stage of the cancer. This really scares me. I guess because for everyone, including my mom, this has been surreal. As my mom was showering for the first time and she was able to look at what used to be her breasts, she felt that she was looking at someone else. Knowing the stage makes it more real. But I keep reminding myself that knowing the stage doesn't change anything. Whatever stage they say that she is, she was when they discovered the cancer. Just like everything else. I will just need a little time to process. This is a scary thing. I don't like it one bit. But you know, as horrible as this whole thing is, God has been with us the entire way. We have been able to spend time with family that we typically wouldn't have been able to. We are still able to laugh and have a good time, even if it's in the hospital room.

Mat Kearney has a song called Closer to Love. My favorite line from the song is "I guess we are all one phone call from our knees." That's what I feel like every day.

Even with the rug pulled out from under my family, life still goes on.
1. Grad school classes start Monday afternoon. I'm excited!
2. Andrew and I are official home owners, except that the lady who owned the home misunderstood when closing was and still has some of her crap in the home. We haven't gotten the keys yet. I'm going to charge her rent.
3. Andrew's (keeping fingers crossed) about to get a promotion.

Yoo-Hoo is my crack

There are no words to explain my frustration with one of my families. Yesterday I couldn't get motivated because I just knew what was coming around 2:30 and I knew that I was going to have to work with the child of the family. It's just stressful because I don't know how to make this family better. Anyway, after a LONG stressful day (I didn't get off work until around 7:00pm) I came home to my wonderful husband. He was wonderful last night--the night before not so much because we got into a huge argument. I came home to Andrew making dinner for me, but that wasn't what made him wonderful. Don't get me wrong! Coming home to dinner made was great, except that I had texted him earlier saying that I hadn't had lunch and I was going to be working late so if he wanted dinner at a reasonable hour, then he was going to have to make it. The thing that made him wonderful wasn't the Oreo pie that he attempted to make as a surprise. The thing that made him wonderful was that when I sat down on the couch and rested my aching head in my hands, my husband handed me a Yoo-Hoo. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I'm pretty sure I heard angels singing Hosanna in my head.


I have an obsession with chocolate milk. I think it's my father's fault. Whenever Lisa and I would be with my dad he would always take us to the gas station to get some chocolate milk. I think I associate chocolate milk with happy times. Chocolate milk is my go to drink after a hard day. I don't get it very often. When I was at Walgreens, I think twice I bought a Yoo-Hoo. My coworkers knew that if Dana was seen with a chocolate milk-don't mess with her. There's something soothing about the chocolate milk flavor. It's intense. The high is so wonderful, there are no words to explain it. Yesterday just happened to be one of those days. Andrew had no idea that I would need a Y00-Hoo. He just saw them and thought he would make up for being such a jerk the night before.

Thank God for Yoo-Hoos!

When did my little sister get so smart? I don't know. I called my lil sis and shared with her how I was feeling about our mom having breast cancer. Basically I told her that I have divided God into 2 parts. One part is the good God who is almighty and wonderful and all of the other adjectives. The other part is the God that I am not so crazy about. I think I have done this in my head so that I won't be made at God entirely. I do struggle to sing songs about how great our God is even though I have divided Him up. Here is the conversation with my sister:

Lisa: Don't you just see how God has been taking care of us all along?
Me: Yeah, but that doesn't mean that I can't be angry at Him. If God would just show me the last page of the book, then maybe I'll be fine. I want to know why my mom got cancer and if she is going to live through this and I want to know who's life she impacted because of it.
Lisa: Well...you can't do that. You just need to remember that hopefully we will be able to be a good witness for our family members and other people who are around us because of how we are relying on God and not letting this take over our entire life. Do you remember when Daddy lost his job?
Dana: Yeah
Lisa: Well during that period when he didn't have a job, that was when he had to have his battery replaced in his pacemaker. He wouldn't have known that he needed to do that unless he was home and was able to go to the doctor.
Dana: I know.
Lisa: And do you realize that as soon as he was better and able to get back on the road, he got another job and not only did God provide that job when everyone else was struggling to find jobs, God provided another job for him immediately when he wasn't liking his job so much.
Dana: I can see your point.
Lisa: And don't you think it's a little amazing that Daddy had just happened to plan a trip home the week after Mom was diagnosed.
Lisa: Also, it was a God thing for me because we found out the day I returned from my mission trip. Just think, if we had found out during the summer I would have been really angry because I couldn't come home and angry at God. What type of missionary would I have been and what kind of example would I have been if I was angry at God throughout the summer? Don't blame God, Dana. God has his hands in everything even if we don't know the reasons for it. Don't stop worshipping His Greatness because the rug was pulled out from under us. God is still taking care of everything we do. Mom is not angry, she is relying on God. God knows the last page of the book and that's all that matters.

Psalms 46:10 Be still and Know that I am God

A lady at church reminded me of this verse. I just keep repeating it to myself and know that God is taking care of everything. He hasn't walked away and forgotten to come back because he is so busy. God knows my family. God is hearing our prayers and not only our prayers but all of the people that are praying for my mom. People who don't even know my family that well are praying for us.


"Thank you, God, for remembering my family and please give me the peace to know that Your way is the ultimate and the best way."